Everything happens for a reason. The good. The bad. The ugly. There is a reason for it all.
This has been a saying that I have said for years, however I am now coming to the realization of the true meaning behind those powerful words.
Today, a podcast that I recorded months ago came out. I specifically remember recording this podcast, because it was a great conversation. It was a real conversation. It was a vulnerable conversation.
Yes, this podcast was centered around my business of being an intuitive energy healer, but this podcast was so much more because this podcast looked at the journey that has gotten me here today, this present moment. Not in a way of " I left my corporate job.... blah blah blah" it was more in the way of who I was, 10+ years ago, and how who I was back then created who I am today.
During this conversation, the question was asked-- "who were you 10+ years ago?" In a sliver of a moment, I was transported 15 years back-- I was a mom, a wife, I was working full time in the hospitality industry.
I was transported back to a very specific moment, working all day at the hotels, getting off of work, going to pick my kiddos up from daycare (ages 2 & 4), coming home, making dinner... just a normal day. That day I remember because it was the moment when my daughter, just two years old quit walking. I remember carrying her in, and I remember putting her down and she put her feet up, she would not stand up. I immediately noticed and called her daycare to ask if she noticed her acting strange. Once my husband came home, and I was getting more worried. We called his parents to watch our son as we ran to the ER to see what was going on.
ER gave us no answers. The next day she still would not stand on her legs, so I made an appointment with her pediatrician, and she ordered x-rays. I specifically remembered the phone call where our doctor called us with the results-- her femurs were both dislocated and sitting 2.5 inches from her pelvic bone. She immediately referred us to Phoenix Children's hospital- 2 hours away.
I remember driving down to Phoenix, not really understanding what was happening, in my mind, thinking okay, probably a surgery and they will "move" the bone and all will be good.
It was anything but that.
That day began the journey of the next 15 years, 16 surgeries, countless spica casts, braces, wheelchairs. The neurosurgery that was "pure luck" that we found her tethered spinal cord in the midst of hip surgeries. The hip surgery where she code blued, & I had to watch the team bring my little girl back to me. The travel to SLC to Shriners Hospitals as her case became too complex for Phoenix Children's. To COVID and temporarily living in Baltimore while she underwent a leg lengthening surgery & rehabilitation that was over 6 months of having an external fixator on her leg at only 13.
Ironically, today the podcast came out. A podcast that I recorded in January. Unbeknowing that this episode would be airing today, which this week marks 15 years from her 1st surgery. Everything happens for a reason, right?!
Tiffany, on Two Humans Talking asked me "how did I get through it?" when we were talking about Kaitlyn's first surgery and what it felt like sitting in the waiting room as your 2-year-old was undergoing a major surgery. My response was " I have no clue how we did it". It's those few words- I don't know how we did, but we did.
It's that piece I wish I could just freeze into my brain--- If I could go back in time to the version of me that was sitting in that waiting room, waiting for the doctor to come out to tell me my baby girl was okay. I would give her the biggest hug and tell her, all I had to do was keep the faith and have trust that everything would turn out okay, better than okay.
See, that's the thing I realized today--- when you are in the heat of the moment, it feels like the walls are closing in on you. You feel like you cannot breathe. You don't understand why this is happening to you. You feel like you will never get though this (whatever "this" is)
I cannot tell you how many times I had those thoughts, I could not see the future in front of me, because all I could see was the hurt, the pain, the anxiety, that the present moment was providing.
Now, looking backwards I see strength. Not only in myself but in my little girl. How this journey has truly shaped who we are today. Those years were HARD. Reflecting back on the day I almost lost her, I was MAD for a really long time. MAD that God, would take her from me.
I now see and feel GRADITUDE, I am so thankful that the nurses and doctors were there, and she is still with us today. I am so PROUD of what an amazing young woman my daughter is, her strength, her smarts-- proud mom moment, she is being inducted into the National Honor Society this evening!
I am PROUD of myself, continuing to put one foot in front of the other, even in the moments where it was so dark I could not see where the other foot would land. Always finding the good, even in the hardest of days.
When I look back on photos, my daughter ALWAYS had a smile on her face. She is in a body cast and she's smiling! It's those little things that have helped me get to this day today.
As mom I carried all this guilt, she's in and out of hospitals, she's confined to a body cast, she started 1st grade in a wheelchair, I saw these things that were "hampering" her childhood.
You ask her and she doesn't see any of that. She sees that she first learned how to bake (something that she is really good at!) by me allowing her to stir the brownie batter on the couch-- that was SO cool she says.
She sees kids lined up to push her in her wheelchair down the hall in 1st grade, because it's SO much fun to get to push the wheelchair.
She remembers winning BINGO during one of her stays at Phoenix Children, as well as all of the dogs that would come and visit her. (no wonder she LOVES dogs to this day!)
She remembers how every time we flew to SLC or Baltimore for medical stuff, her and I would always have an adventure! One time we drove to the Olympic grounds in Park City before a surgery. One of her (and my) favorite memories of our time in Baltimore was driving to Gettysburg while having a complete Taylor Swift playlist, as we sung her lyrics driving through the historic battlegrounds.
Looking at this experience though her eyes, it truly shows that perception is reality. She is who she is because of her journey. As am I.
Fast forward to today, I needed to hear this podcast episode today. I needed to hear my own voice saying, "Everything will be okay" It reminded me of something that I know so well, but yet need a constant reminder-- you do not need to know HOW you are going to get somewhere; you just need to know that you will.
It's the journey that shows you that the field you think are just weeds are actually the most beautiful field of flowers, slow down, and enjoy the ride-- all of it-- the good, the bad, and the ugly. As much as we do not enjoy experiencing the HARD stuff, the accomplishment we feel when we overcome whatever obstacle is in our way is making our strength shine. It's the low moments that help us to appreciate the highs. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
Links to catch the full episode of Two Human Talking below:
As always to end with a quote:
" The greatest healer has been wounded. The deepest lover had their heart broken. The conscious being had to learn through their unconsciousness. Whether we like it or not: Darkness, our pain, our wounds, are our greatest spiritual teachers. They initiate us into who we are meant to become." --Larnin Krenn
xo, Gina Marie